Just one.

My father. :)

One... he was sweet and funny and competent... and I admired him... and he's gone forever. He's so gone that every time I think of him, my heart aches as if there is an endless all-consuming void. I can't shake the feeling that instead of him moving away or taken by another woman, that he might actually be dead. And that hurts so much worse.

I can't even think of one and I'm really trying. Some were less obvious about it though.

I don't know.... I don't really think anyone so far. Moids usually just want sex or go into any kind of sexual activity like sexting and getting sent nudes for low ass effort, I'm not exactly into that at all. Or when they realize they can't even outright ask me about that, they go into weird, awkward mode and just kind of slowly 'ghost' me away until we both just delete each other. Used to happen a lot on IG and sometimes Twitter, due to my edited profile picture, again, they either want something easy or never communicate again LOL. they're like predators, hunting down the vulnerable, innocent and naive.

Im very aware of my humanly bias and try my best to avoid my own lookism around nonromantic interests. A fair number of people at work I'd say match my effort. I work in tech and I've seen not very attractive/older POC women getting mentored and promoted based on their merits. Gives me some confidence for society.

none.

Zero

Women who are not very attractive (less than normie tier) and nerdy women tend to be less lookist in general, especially the ones who'd be at least normies if they bothered dressing up and putting on makeup but don't

In my entire life? Maybe three females, and one male.

I've met men (and women, obviously) that treat others with kindness in perhaps only two places - high school (went to an all girls' school, although even the girls self-sorted by looks/proclivity to a social life), and my current workplace.

Actually, the one FA in my office (he's like me - midface hyplasia with underbite, bad teeth, unfortunate South Asian features, unfortunate eye shape and eyes...he is significantly more immature and awkward than I am in an obnoxious way) is treated nicely by everyone. His neediness is like a stench. I've worked worked in an office where I was less obviously abnormal than anyone else, but he is. He'll offer to remember people's anniversaries and birthdays, b/c he has no such milestones in his own life. It's a desperate so cringe-inducing and yet that I recognize so clearly, it makes me sick....because I worry people will realize I'm like that, too. I remember pieces of others' lives b/c I have no fucking lie.

I had a Chad coworker that was a gracious human being to everyone.

It's just a sad inevitability non-looksist people will be a little nicer, a little more interested in prettier people. Fuck me. At this stage, I don't think I'm any better, unless someone is one of the few I relate to.

"Non-looksists" include uggos, are polite, and don't abuse the power imbalance that's barely detectable....in how people how treated in whether a boss or professor takes someone seriously, in how they're spoken of, in their ability to hold a room. They go through he motions b/c they're raised well, and have some integrity. But it's a strain. You are are strain.

They bestow generosity and courtesy life typically withholds from ugly people.

It makes you - as the ugly, disposale person that could be turned on at any moment, and that's used to being treated like a burden, or worse - feel like an animal being offered scraps, knowing all the while it's not a reflection of your humanity, but theirs. Their goodness.

More than I thought I ever would. Sounds cheesy but when I started giving other people more of a chance to impress me they did just that.

This is going to sound awfull but hear me out. Traumatized ppl especially toxic relationship traumas make ppl weary of attractive people and more perceptive and kind to everyone else since they got a spoonful of what being relentlessly abused, judged and discouraged is.