(first off, hi. this is my first post. i'm pink/blackpilled already, was/am a part of many related subs on reddit, and i love this place! i've been browsing without an account for a bit.)

i'm not asking for a pity friend, i just need to vent.

i have aspergers and, because of this, i've always been unable to make close friends. especially female friends, which sucks because i refuse to get close to men anymore, for reasons i don't believe need explaining. i don't want to give out too much personal information, but i'm a high school graduate and i don't have a single friend...

i haven't had a single friend in 2 years now. and before that, my whole life, i was never close to anyone. i've never experienced the joys of letting loose, singing off-pitch just for the fun of it, crying on a friend's shoulder, going to school dances or football games, or just doing anything with anyone. there would've been a chance if i went to college this year, but i chose not to because i don't know what i want to do with my life. and let's be honest, trying to make friends at work is practically impossible. people at minimum wage jobs just want to get in and get out.

people like to say that friendships are "not all that." but they are all that! sure, i don't have to compromise with people all the time and i don't have to give shitty relationship advice, but if you've never been in my shoes, then you just don't get it...what it feels like to watch from the outside. i've been an observer my whole life.

i became used to the loneliness for a while, convinced myself i was okay like this, but fuck, i'm not. the loneliness feels like a burning in my chest, in my heart. sometimes it's sharp and sometimes it's dull, but it's always there.

i really took online friends for granted too. twitter is pretty much a haven for finding internet pals. but i couldn't stand the drama on that hellish app so i left. 3 years of twitter friends gone. i don't think internet friends can truly fill the void of irl friends, but they're far better than being completely, utterly alone. does anyone know what it feels like to never receive texts or notifications from anyone other than your own mother?

i talk to myself all day and live in my head as a coping mechanism. it started in middle school when i truly began to understand that i was different from others, and it only became more severe since then. i once was called schizophrenic in my junior year of high school because a couple of girls saw me talking to myself alone. good stuff.

it doesn't help that i live in the middle of nowhere. i got so desperate that i started going on meetup.com, but there's barely any groups in my area and the ones that do exist are all for middle-aged people.

ironically, i'm the most mentally well that i've ever been. i'm a late bloomer to life, probably something to do with my aspergers, but i got my first "real" job this summer and i'm getting my driver's license soon. i'm getting more physically fit by the day and i'm eating better.

but socializing is a primitive necessity -- it cannot be replaced with random achievements. so i still hurt. and i fear that i will always hurt like this.

my username actually comes from the book 'Where The Crawdads Sing.' if you've read it before, you probably get why i chose it. i essentially live in a giant forest/marsh and can painfully relate to the main character, minus being abandoned by my family.